I call myself the shy singer because that is who I was and am. I have grown from the place of acute social phobia and extreme stage fright into the person I am today... I attribute this personal growth to the study of singing. As I began to become aware of the things that inhibited my voice, I saw these same things inhibited me in life. The process of finding and releasing my authentic voice became the process of finding and freeing my Self. I write this blog to share my journey with you.
Today I contemplate the value of connection. Vision ourselves to be trees, rooted to the earth and entwined in the ground to keep balance and security in our lives. Our branches reach out and up towards the sun and the sky. We bend in the wind. We nourish the air with oxygen. We nourish the people who pass by with our shade and our scent and our presence.
As a shy person I always shut down in company. I disconnected myself, too fearful of what might be transmitted from me that would show me to be of questionable value. Too scared of what I might receive if I was open to others.
It makes logical sense that someone would seek to protect themselves from the sharp edges of messages from others. Strangely, though, in that very disconnection, I felt myself alone and misunderstood.
It is not all external, either. Our own denial of self or morphing the self to please others is disconnectedness too. One cannot be rooted if constantly changing form in order to accepted by others.
I imagine myself an arbutus tree, twisting and changing direction, yet always beautiful.
I sit, looking at the blank page. To my right, on the table, is a pad of paper with multiple scribbled notes on a variety of things. The chord progression I am working on for a new composition. In the margin, a reminder of a meeting today. On the back, notes about a Fed-Ex tracking number for my missing delivery. Another page, notes on composing in the style known as fantasy. Then ideas for organizing to-dos in relation to my personal health and household.
I contemplate. What will today's commentary say? I remember YouTube videos I've watched this week. (I make a study of several topics.) I see, in my mind, the face of the presenters who engaged me the most. I ask myself why.
They were sharing something that meant something to them. They offered it freely, enthusiastically explaining how I could do what they do. Their message was urgent. Supportive. Encouraging.
They said, 'Yes you can.'
It makes me wonder, as I look around my untidy flat, why I don't get excited about putting things back where they belong. I will spend hours fussing with an image or a design until I am satisfied. I will revisit a composition and create multiple mixes until something inside says 'yes.'
My younger self would dress carefully for any date or gathering. Clothing, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup... I was tremendously shy, knowing I looked as good as possible helped bolster my courage. Now I think, rather wryly, that I might have accomplished the goal of being 'well turned out' but I could seldom carry on a conversation in anything but a stilted and awkward manner. I wish I could go back and hug that me. I'd like to tell her, 'you are good enough.'
It occurs to me I am more excited about my life this year. The shadow of COVID is still there, yet we are out, going to festivals, taking trips, visiting friends, meeting for dinner, going to movies. The losses were incalculable. Many of us were deprived of income, jobs, savings; many of us had to let go of dreams and hunker down. And many of us sadly lost loved ones. Friends, family, acquaintances, forever missed.
Do we walk in the sunshine these days, thankful that we have made it through? Are we picking up the threads of those dreams we had, which needed to be put aside in 2020. Are we taking the steps needed to find our way, when the storms of change still rock the boat? Housing costs through the roof, food costs soaring (while record profits recorded), deep concern for those facing war and famine, puzzling over the future and where developing technology will take us. It's all too overwhelming.
We have the capacity to slow down our lives. Experience each moment as it happens. We have the ability to gift ourselves with time for walks, journaling, meditating, long baths, a lazy afternoon on the lawn with a good book. The key is to make that a priority.
I believe these acts of self-love will bring not only some peace to our personal world, but help us find the energy to be excited about the projects we work on and the simple successes we have on the way to achieving something that matters to us.
Art isn't an external 'thing' that we put in a cupboard or a frame and dust once in a while. As Julia Cameron says, 'as we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art.'
Posts
