falling into the new year, softly

Well, I keep gathering together bits of newsletters from different resources that talk about setting goals (Ariel Hyatt), happy new you (Bob Baker), using StickK to commit to a resolution (Get Rich Slowly), the power of less (Zen Habits). The Voice in my head keeps telling me I'm doing nothing, but this week I've cleared up a backload of emails, answered fan mail, booked myself to attend a couple of events, completed my first track of 2009 (my goal is to write 52), pitched music to a documentary, a music library, and a music supervisor. I've been sick, too. I was posting a link to my blog on something I was writing and I realized... it's been way too long, normally I update at least once a week.

I often seem to veer from extremely productive entity to totally listless sloth. The Voice in my head says I'm more sloth than speeding bullet, but I do seem to manage to accomplish a little in my meandering way. The whole idea of this lifestyle is to be able to enjoy time, to see the sun shining as the wind whips the trees and marvel at the colour of the sky. The whole idea of not working in an office anymore for the rest of my life is to be able to find a little self-made joy in every day, walking my path and doing the things that matter.

The Voice in my head reminds me my bedroom is a mess and that I haven't sorted any paperwork over the holidays like I said I would. I suppose The Voice is afraid I will end up like one of those old ladies with a house full of boxes and papers that line the walls so you can barely walk, useless mathoms collecting decades of dust. The Voice says I am wasting time and not achieving enough, not productive enough, don't exercise enough, don't practice enough.

The Voice kinda reminds me of when I was working and trying to pay off my student loan. I paid something every month, even during the time I was unemployed or underemployed. I had a part time job and I was paying them the specified amount every month... and the credit folks called me at work about my student loan... and I said, "I don't know why you're calling me, I've paid you every month as agreed." And the snarky girl at the other end said, "You're not paying it off fast enough!" @#$&*@)????!! After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I complained that they had called me at work (against the law), and requested that they contact me in writing only. And I did, finally, pay the damn thing off a few years ago, in one lump sum, thanks to a consolidation loan from my bank.

Who is The Voice, if it isn't me? I see it as the conglomeration of all the negative thoughts and vibes and comments that I've experienced in my life. It's the Negative Thinker, the Low Self-Esteem Maintainer, the Perfectionist, the One Who Says I Can't Rise Up and Achieve My Dreams. It is part of me, and I think it's there for me to, first, become aware of it and what it says to me. And, second, to resist it in order to grow. It's the ying to my yang, and is an essential part of me.

One of the many books I found inspiring in my journey is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." Pick it up if you can.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall."
~ Confucius

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