I've changed. I think.

I've noticed something new in my behavior. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It feels so different. I've become aware that I speak less, but more strongly. I express opinions. I speak up. I don't dilly-dally with long explanations anymore.

Let me put the above statement in context.

Not so many years ago, I was so nervous around people I stammered all the time. I'd go into the coffee room at work and someone would ask how my weekend had been, and I'd say, 'p-p-p-p-pret-t-ty g-g-gud, h-h-h you?' My eyes would kinda roll up to the ceiling at the same time I was 'p-p-p-ing', and I would feel like a total idiot.

I would hesitantly and softly express my thoughts on something, and if the person I was talking to disagreed, I would immediately find some way to wiggle out of what I said and come around to agreeing with them.

Besides the stammer, I'd also punctuate my sentences with soft giggles. "Hi, heh heh, I'm Vikki, heh heh, nice d-d-day, heh heh".

So now, today, when I watch myself jump into a discussion and say "I disagree. The fact is that..." a part of me raises its eyebrows in surprise.

However, I do still get into trouble. If several people have different opinions on what should be done, I try to find the common ground between them and make suggestions that would resolve the majority of concerns. Always a peacemaker. While this might be very diplomatic, I often find myself ending up holding the bag for actually doing the 'common ground' thing. At which point, I say, 'heh heh, w-well, that's not, heh heh, what I had in m-m-mind."

1 comment:

Jannie Funster said...

Being aware of what we need to work on is half the battle! Congrats on your realizations.

BTW, how're the 50 songs going??

I'm back from N.S. and writing songs again after a summer of semi-inertia. Yay!