lagging behind deadlines

Maybe it's the struggle to get over this cold, but I have had to fight the demons this week. All the doubts and procrastination have reared their ugly heads. OTOH, I have managed to write song #8 for the '14 songs in 28 days' challenge... but I am a little behind, since it's the 18th today... I should be on song #9. I have concepts for 2 or 3 more songs, but nothing is exciting me.

The challenge has been interesting, because I see that, when I create a song, I want to 'live' with it for awhile... enjoy the moment, so to speak... and kinda glory in the fact that I created something and that I like it. But you can't really wallow in your success with a challenge like this, nor can you waste time perfecting what you've written, you have to write it, do some sort of recording of it, and then move on.

I see something else too, which is a total contradiction to what I just said -- I find it difficult to rework and revise and rerecord over and over. Sometimes I get lost, and sometimes I feel like my "fixing" takes something away from the song.

That is the creative process, and also the reality of being a human being - that you have these feelings or inspirations that are total opposites to each other, both at the same time.

I also see that I have a great love of great story-telling and use of language, which is why I love JRR Tolkien and Mary Stewart and Jane Austen and John Grisham and so many other wonferful writers. And good movies too. I love to live in the worlds they have created. I suppose my music is to me a way for me to get into and create worlds of my own.

This week, I've had to fight against the internal editor who has been saying 'this isn't good enough' or 'no one will want to listen to this crap', I've even spoken out loud to myself, saying, "write what comes to you, don't say it needs to be something else, embrace it even if it feels totally out to lunch or non-commerical or even without structure. You must embrace the inspiration... cause if you don't you will never get to the place it could lead you. You will never know that place if you say 'no'."

Thus I have written music that is... I don't what kind of genre... but it expresses something in me and of me... and really that's all any artist can do. I can't be anyone but me, saying what I have to say, in the way I say it.