How subtle and sneaky our psyche

This week has been one of insights shared with my students, who are often catalysts for my personal growth. They honor me with more than just being in my studio. They are present with me on many levels, allowing me in, and so we work together to find the voice that has been hidden by past experiences, wounds, bad habits, and programming.

This week it seemed that many lessons developed into a conversation about how our behaviors make us scattered, or tired, or stressed, or anxious, and therefore, because we have somehow created that internal storm or lassitude... that we again do not take a active step forward in our journey.

The paintbrush sits in the jar, the canvas attracting dust. The lesson tape is forgotten, lying on the seat of the car under something else. The things we've left undone crowd upon us, convincing us we have no time or energy to do our artistic practice.

How subtle and sneaky our psyche is. We have a thousand reasons for not doing the one thing that we long to do.

Each day that I live I am aware how hard I have to fight my programming. How easy it is to slide into the slough of despond and end up on the couch watching reruns.

Each day I am aware that yes, I accomplish a fair bit... but how much time is wasted by avoidance, procrastination, feeling scattered or overwhelmed by all there is to do.

I find myself talking sternly to myself, on the one hand, telling myself that I may not play on the computer before I've done my chores, had my daily walk, prepared for my day.

On the other hand, I find myself talking back to the gremlin in my head, saying, 'Yes, I am worthy. Yes, I have accomplished something today. I walked, I taught, I wrote, I sang, I created a new song, I wrote a lyric, I paid a bill, I ate healthy, I called a friend. I am all I need to be in the present moment, and I am beautiful.'

1 comment:

Chris said...

Hi Vikki,
I saw your post in the SongU course work forum and I followed the link to your blog. I can relate to your journey and I admire your attitude and your progress. You have developed the self respect and feeling of self-worth needed to take your work and career to the next level. I'm 52 and fighting fears of having left it too late. I dread going to my grave with all my potential locked inside. I hope I can somehow circumvent lifelong negative behaviour and thought patterns which now seem to shape my imagined future as well as my concrete past.
I hope that SongU won't be another occasion to disappoint myself but I no longer trust my enthusiasms. I'm trying to find local (London) collabs as that may be a solution.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind a stranger rambling on to you like this.
All the best,
Chris Davies