Scattering scatteredness...

Somehow it's Sunday night and I tell myself I need to write a blog. It's not a chore. It's something I like doing. In the whirlwind of life, though, it has, in the past, been left undone. I have determined this will change. 

I had a glimmer of an idea for this blog. The word that comes to mind is serenity. A word that is easy to say, but much much harder, sometimes, to embrace.

While I can be very energetic and devoted to things I love to do, at the same time, I can be very scattered with my energy, and end up going in circles, not achieving much at all. I can make long to-do lists and even cross a few things off while the time for the other things is eaten up with focusing on the less important. Or procrastinating. 

As a creative person, I rebel against schedules and organization yet I know it would help me to better use my time if I kept to them. I have many calls on my time, and at least three calendars I am following on any given day. If I am honest, without my schedules, I am lost. I remember that Bob's at 2pm on Monday but if I actually look at my calendar I will see it's Joe, not Bob, at 1:30pm.

Nothing's more embarrassing than opening your studio door to see that there are two people waiting to see you at the same time. Uh oh.

So, in spite of my resistance, I have my lists and my calendar that is planned weeks in advance, and try not to feel overwhelmed looking at all the things written in for this month and next month and even the month after.

One practice I began a few years back was to put a big 'X' through one day each week and promise to myself that *nothing* would be planned for that day. I don't do that anymore, there's something every day, like it or not. 

So it comes down to dealing with managing your time while at the same time being okay with managing your time, and, most importantly, not getting stressed about it.

Some walk, some do yoga, some jog, some swim, some meditate.. I'm a firm believer in power naps. 

I feel it crucial that we find time for ourselves alone each day. We can't keep giving if we're not replenishing the well. We can't be creative in the time allowed if we're all over the place about what needs to happen next.

Rise early, welcome the sun, breathe the morning air, embrace the peace of the morning for as long as we can. Write our morning pages. Do tai chi. Jog in the park. Sit and drink tea in the garden. 

Dreams...

Today, I am reminded of dreams. I had dreams of being a champion figure skater, of starring in musicals. I took lessons in dance, sang in choirs, belonged to theatre companies. 

I struggled to ace the dance part of the auditions in particular. I took a great adult ballet class that always began with the same routine workout but included a new set of steps we had to learn each week. Through this I became more proficient in picking up and repeating steps, so important for a dance audition. 

I suffered a lot of stage fright as a singer so I took acting classes thinking it would help me feel better on stage. It's funny I didn't even think of taking singing lessons even though, all of it, everything I did, was so I could be part of a musical presentation. 

I wonder now if I 'didn't think of it' because I couldn't even go there. On a very fundamental level I didn't want to study the thing I wanted most to do, for fear I would be told - that it would be confirmed - that I was not good enough to do it. Rather than face that possibility, I avoided it completely. 

Life moved on, I gave up doing theatre, dance, choirs. I got busy working, doing overtime and living the kind of life where you never wear the same thing to the office, where gossip at the water cooler was the predominant force affecting your self-esteem, where I overate lunch at the company canteen watching soap operas. I was desperately unhappy but so sure being married and working at a big international firm's head office, spending my money on clothes for work, and being in every way as perfect as possible was what was required in order for me to be considered a 'good person'.

None of those things are inherently wrong, but they were wrong for me. I was denying everything I wanted to be and do in order to fit someone else's dream. It was a patched together vision of impressions and expectations of me integrated from others over my formative years. It was created as a path for me to walk so that I would be acceptable. Because I couldn't possibly make those choices for myself. I was flawed and needed to follow the scripts set down for me by others who knew better and whose opinion was so important to me I was willing to sacrifice my own heart and soul to be 'good enough' in their eyes.

I gave up so much of myself. I had been taught I had no value, was a loser, would never amount to anything, wasted space. At home, at school, at work. No matter how competent I was, how many promotions I got, how much I was lauded for being organized, it was never enough for me to feel whole. To be less panicked. To feel safe.

One long sleepless night I finally came to a place where I realized how lost I was. I didn't know what the future would hold, but I felt, if I took one more step down the 'be the good person in everyone else's eyes' road, I would lose myself forever.

I did a lot of soul searching after that. Who am I? Me, not someone else's version of me. Me. Who do I want to be?

Through all of it, over time, I began to know two things: I want to live a creative life. I want to live a musical life. 

As Tolkein says, 'the road goes ever on and on.' From then til now, and for the future, I continue to live creatively and musically, with fits and starts, ups and downs, detours and lostness. Yet this feels more authentic and more me than anything that went before. 

In many ways the dreams I had when I was young live with me every day as I write, compose, design. It's a simple thing, to do the thing you love to do, one would think, yet it can be the hardest thing of all. I am grateful for the support and encouragement of those who accept me as I am. And I continue to dream. I will always dream. 

Do you talk to yourself?

Confession: I talk to myself. I still remember walking to school in a country lane surrounded by trees, having a nice conversation with myself when, unexpectedly, someone walked past me. Shamefaced, I stopped talking. At least until they were further away.

Of course we all know the nasty voice-in-your-head that heaps derision on your efforts to do something, or lambasts you for not doing something, or just generally makes sure you don't evolve. Verbalizing these thoughts can be really helpful in sorting out what you are telling yourself internally. 

Like writing things down, speaking thoughts out loud can help you grow awareness of your thinking. Maybe sort out what matters to you. Help make decisions more effectively.

If you find yourself feeling scattered when dealing with a sense of overwhelm, talking to yourself can keep you focused on the present moment and the task at hand. "You can do this."

It can be very helpful to speak affirmations out loud. It gives them more weight. Makes them more memorable. Reinforces them. Second or third person is better than first person. Telling yourself "You are worthy" makes it easier to embrace and accept.

Self-talk also gives you the opportunity to express something important to you. To acknowledge how you feel. "I feel anxious about this interview." 

Verbalizing my feelings before an audition or interview was an important tool in my journey. I used to hide my angst over things. By saying how I felt out loud to myself I removed denial. I gave myself a chance to cope with those feelings, and have a more positive outcome. "Breathe. Remember you are capable. Remember to listen and make eye contact. You have something to offer."

I look back at all those times I hid myself away due to fear of other people... and I can see clearly now that I actually didn't hide anything. People knew intuitively how I felt as my very self-hiding telegraphed to them my discomfort. I don't judge myself for feeling how I felt, or coping in that way. I just see it now with compassion for the wounded person I was then.

That reminds me to tell you to remember that this kind of self-talk means being aware of the negative things you say to yourself. Hear yourself. Reframe negative thoughts with a more positive attitude. "You're so lazy, you never do what you say you'll do," becomes "It takes time to make changes. It's okay to take baby steps. Slow and steady. You'll get there."

Talking to yourself grows conscious awareness. You get to hear your own thinking process. You audibly illustrate your sense of personal value. This is healthy. One could even say it's the basis of critical thinking, as that requires us to examine our own thoughts and perspectives on the road to being truly authentic.

If someone does overhear your self-talk, remember it's natural. "Just figuring out what to do next," as you smile at them.

Live long, and play...

According to ChatGPT, one of the ways you can introduce more playfulness into your life is, well... doing more playful stuff. It then cheerfully lists things that will apparently 'infuse your everyday life with a reviewed sense of joy and exploration.' Things that include spending time in a fort you made out of blankets, miming to your mirror, shaping things with playdough, and - I like this one - talking to yourself as two different characters while you do your housework.

That's all very well and good, but these are serious times. Between rising to the scent of the coffee maker and flossing our teeth before bed, there is a plethora of things to be done. Bills to be paid. Clothes to wash. Work to get to, and do -- hopefully somewhat efficiently despite the chronic lack of sleep. Groceries to buy, cook, consume. People to look after. While having a few laughs or exploring our personal creativity might be on the agenda, it often is not a priority item.

Can it be?

Possibly. Won't it be just another thing we end up having no time for? And as that no-time-to-play-ness heaps up over the week, another thing we can beat ourselves up for not doing. What's the value of it anyway?

I'm glad you asked. Of course, you would naturally assume I am an advocate for playfulness, and you'd be right. I'm not playful because some scientist or medical professional suggested it to me. I just sort of arrived there naturally. I'm an imaginative person, yet, I spent too many years being seriously serious, ended up someplace I didn't want to be, and then wished to find a path back to the me I used to be.

At that point, challenging myself to be artistic at all was huge. I wanted to be more inventive, yet I struggled with doubt and procrastination. I retrained as a graphic designer feeling that this work would allow me to be more creative while earning a wage. Struggling with any sense of self-worth, I began to take voice lessons - a very serious business in a lot of ways -- as much as I wanted to sing, everything in me told me day after day that I was hopeless and this was a huge waste of time and money. To help myself feel more confident on stage, I decided to take some acting lessons (Method Acting).To mitigate the angst of my singing journey, I took classes in improvisational theatre (a la 'What's My Line') hoping it would lighten things up a bit.

Even still, I ended up at my doctor's office with chest pains. After a good look at me, he said there was nothing wrong with my heart. I was so stressed and burnt out it was affecting me physically. I had to make some changes.

I started by getting up every morning and walking along the ocean, feeling the clean air, smelling the sea, taking time to look at my surroundings and realize how lucky I was to live in such a lovely place. I started to keep a gratitude journal. I got more involved with improv, doing lighting or sound for the shows, listening to people laugh, laughing myself at the absurdities presented by the teams of actors. It was a lot for me to step in front of people to do wacky things off the cuff and not worry about how I looked. But when I was able to let go, it was great.

According to psychologists, playfulness is a good thing. It makes us more innovative. We may see and appreciate the small things. Laughing is good for us. It reduces stress. We may get out and about more, meaning we're more physically active. Playfulness gives us a sense of hope or lightness of being, because it suspends time. We are 'being' in a different way, in a different place.

Since I detest housework, I may take ChatGPT up on its suggestion that I pretend I'm a character in a comedy and narrate my surroundings in a humorous way. Or keep a bottle of bubbles by my desk and blow bubbles from time to time -- maybe when I am on Zoom calls. Or take myself on an imaginary vacation. It's all about being child-like a few minutes at a time, a few minutes a day. 

I have to run now. My 'Long John Silver' character is about to confront my 'Mr. Spock' character. Sparks may fly, logic or not -- I told Spock not to eat the last donut! Sighs.