going where you need to go

You know how you have ups and downs in your life? I’m sure you do. Sometimes I question everything. So much time gone by. So many mistakes made. I’m just a human being, doing the best I can. I’m not perfect, I have flaws. I have regrets. There are things I wish I’d done differently and things I wish I did better. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to offer. Sometimes I wonder if I know anything at all. Sometimes I wonder where I am going. I feel my way along, tentatively and trembling, trusting my inspiration to lead me. Sometimes in my search for meaning and for connection, I choose the wrong words.

The peril of being a writer of sorts is to feel more comfortable with the written word than speech. Reading, and re-reading, until you comprehend. Writing, and editing, until the words seem to fit what you are trying to say. Even as I write this I have no idea where I am going. Like many things I do, I just start.

I have a general plan – “let’s go this way” I point vaguely, encouraging myself. I figure if I keep putting one foot in front of the other – or one word after another – somewhere along the line, things will make sense.

Like when I paint. Other people might draw a scene over and over, even planning the perspective, drawing the horizon out, mapping the whole thing, before they pick up a brush to transfer their image to canvas. Me? I get out a big brush, choose a colour, dab at it, and attack the canvas. I have no idea what I’m going to paint. I just start. I ‘follow the brush’.

Really my whole life these past dozen years or so has been like that. I just start. I just pick up a pack of watercolours & some watercolour paper, and paint a first picture. I just start writing music, for fun, with a friend… I just start writing a script as a personal challenge. I just throw on a costume, turn on the web cam, and start improvising. I just start writing a blog, not knowing what I will be saying at all.

People often say to me, “Vikki, you do so much.” “You do so many things.” They seem to envy my productivity. It doesn’t feel extraordinary to me, it’s just what I do. But, when I think about what I just wrote, I see the key. Do you?

I just start.

2 comments:

cinderkeys said...

Thanks for writing this. It's nice to know I'm not the only artist (or person, in general) who didn't have it all figured out in elementary school.

If I'd started earlier on a path to becoming a professional songwriter, perhaps I'd be more accomplished by now. On the other hand, without the experiences I gained from following different paths, a lot of my songs never would've been written. :)

Jannie Sue "Funster" said...

Starting is a very good place to start, I could have that in large print on my fridge.

I feel so unmotivated at this very moment. Arrrrg.

Must breathe, deeply in, long out, deeply in, long out. Feets, move towards the guitar, fingers find the Intellituner, eyes find the chords in the book.

I wonder will things be easier than this in heaven?

Breathe, just breathe...