waking up

I often wake in the middle of the night. When I sleep a solid seven hours, it's rare and feels good. But recently instead of lying frustrated wanting to sleep, or watching modules of one of my composing courses, or getting up to do something because might as well... I've taken to listening to all sorts of music on Youtube. I just start and then Youtube has suggestions on the right hand side, which will lead me to something else, and then another. Sometimes I find old favourites or discover new ones. It reminds me of my wish to live a musical life...

It seems to me that I have been living in a shadow world since March 2020 when the lock-down first began. My world was the nice-but-small bedroom-converted-to-studio in my tiny basement apartment. It had one wide-but-short window that looked up into the back garden.

My vision became myopic and my experience of the outside world shriveled down to walks and grocery pick-ups... and the occasional drive.

I only realized this recently when a move prompted me to look out at the horizon, and I realized how dim the light had been.

Here's a cool cover I just discovered... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HrmAgYE-6k&list=RD8HrmAgYE-6k&start_radio=1

[Photo by Isabella and Zsa Fischer on Unsplash]

snow, and stuff

A winter epiphany. On occasion, life hands you lemons, and you struggle to make lemonade. Or maybe you think of making lemonade. Dream of it, put it on the to-do list, procrastinate, and then beat yourself up for not making it. The to-do list gets longer and the stagnation grows. Until one day you wake up and realize, in not making lemonade, you have stopped yourself from making other things as well.

I am not a hoarder but I have far too much stuff. Boxes I haven't unpacked since my last move. Boxes of things I buy to accessorize my life. Boxes of things I supposedly need in order to have a fulfilling life.

How do you get in the flow, connect with your muse, when your spirit is weighted down by the undone to-dos and the collection of unused items that sit around you in the corners and the closets?

It is difficult enough to struggle against the doubt that arises every time you sit down in front of the blank page. The undones and needless proliferation of stuff become a stop sign too as they are always there in your peripheral vision.

I have tried setting the goal of going through a box or a drawer daily. The trouble is one starts, begins new piles of recycle, rehome, junk... and becomes overwhelmed after a few days. The reorganization grinds to a halt and becomes another bit of guilt-inducing evidence.

I think the only way to really deal with it is to force yourself to do everything now. Devote three days to one job, which is going through stuff, and removing to the charity shop or recycle or to the junkyard everything that you don't need to put hands on in order to live.