Suddenly it’s June and I wonder where the weeks have gone. I finally tidied my desk and put a few things in due date order, and the rest could go in recycle. Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing myself, these past months… revamping. I have been lost in my thoughts. I have always spoken about the healing magic that music provided to me, how it assisted me to evolve. In order to become as a singer, I needed to recognize how I spoke to myself, and how I was programmed. I felt sufficiently advanced in this evolution to be able to share my experiences with others as a teacher/coach. But recently I’ve found a deeply embedded part of my operating system that I hitherto was to a great extent, unaware of. I rediscovered a level of insecurity so profound I found myself collapsing a little under its weight.
This was all triggered by a brief platonic relationship with a gentleman that had some romantic overtones. When we ended it, I literally fell apart. Not over him, not really. But over the deep seated belief that I simply do not have whatever it is that I should have in order to attract and keep a partner. I’m not talking wisdom, or compassion, or respect… I’m talking physical attractiveness. Since I was a child I was judged wanting for how I looked, I was ostracized at school and criticized at home, I developed an eating disorder because of all the diets I was instructed to be on at 13 and 14 and 15. That, together with physical age and the changes that come about because of that… and there you are, sitting alone in your living room watching reruns of Seinfeld. I became aware, in that time of dating, how much reassurance I need from moment to moment, and how much I am willing to give up of myself in order to get it. I thought I had moved on from that place.
But… perhaps it was time that I see this part of me. As I always tell my students, the first step to any change is first, awareness. I am slowly finding my way again.
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