Still dreaming

Tonight I watched the movie 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.' I wanted to see it because the main character and his day dreaming reminds me of me. I have been and probably always will be a dreamer. Imagination is a wonderful thing. It helped me survive many a bad time. That and music, movies, books, writing, singing... probably eating, too, lol. Somehow the message of the film - gentle in its lesson - got me to thinking about my own struggles.

You see, I love film music and film scores. And I have been told that some of the music I write is not particularly suited for television where it needs to lie under the dialogue and not call attention to itself. Be interesting, move forward, have ear candy, but be.. well, kinda unnoticeably awesome. It's been suggested by a couple gate keepers that my creative take on briefs isn't suitable for the end user in television... but that my style might work better in film. Ha. As if.

Yet, there is something in me that hungers to try writing to picture just for the challenge of it, to try to add to the story with a sonic tapestry.

But, given clips to score, I find myself frustrated with what I am doing. I think I evolved a little the last couple of days, though. Yesterday I was happy with one section I did. I said, that was enough for the day. Today, another section started to take on life. I said, that was enough for the day.

I remind myself of the Hans Zimmer masterclass I took last year. I loved Hans talking about how he gets hired to do a movie, gets into the studio, sits down at the keyboard and says something like, 'I think they better hire a real composer cause I got nothin.'

He talked about his musical diary. That he just writes, every day. He has to, or the fear and doubt will take over. And it was fascinating to hear little snippets of his diary be developed for use in the score for the film. Great inspiration and I really enjoyed the masterclass.

Back to me and allowing myself to write a little, let it sit, come back and write a little more, and trust this process will lead me somewhere.  ~

Orchestrating a day...

"I’m going to change who I am and become a winner." ~ Charlie Brown

A day in the life of a composer: In looking at three projects I should be working on, plus my teaching and other responsibilities, I realized that the calendar in my head is simply not enough. Yes, I have schedules for this and that, but they are jumbled together in my mind. I get frequent spurts of 'omg did I remember whats-it'. How I currently orchestrate my time is simply not good enough.

The calendar in my head doesn't plan for time off. Now, given the determination to be prolificly creative as well as be doggedly producing good quality cues, it might seem funny that my first thought was about 'time off'. Acknowledged.

One of the problems is, I love music. It's my art, my heart, my soul, my breath. The thing that lights me up inside. So when I have 'time off' what am I doing? Probably music. Or writing, as I like to pen stories, poems, lyrics... ah, blogs.

So I created a calendar using googlesheets. Oh, I know there's a google calendar but it doesn't work for me. I want something that looks like an old-fashioned appointment book where I can put 'music' at 1000 am and draw a line to 200 pm. I worked very hard on the calendar, setting it up for the rest of this month and one of the purposes of doing this was to be sure I had at least one day a week without commitments of any kind.

Because without that 'waking up with nothing to do' on a regular basis, I can't find the serenity to let things go and just be for awhile. I know I can find a couple of hours on a work day. But a whole day off is a completely different flavour.

I updated my website, soundcloud, etc, adding new tracks and removing some that felt too old and not as representative of who I am today. As we write, we evolve. Our knowledge and foundation is stronger. What was good before is still good. It's just not at the standard of today. One hopes.

After I finished that, I watched some videos on music theory - chords and major modes used in film composing. Some of it is still difficult to grasp but when I sit down at the piano and play a scale in Phrygian Mode, I start to hear it. Diatonic, eh?

To me this is a lot like grammar. I feel I have a fairly good grasp of syntax and composition in the English language. I know what a verb is, of course, but if you asked me to name off all the titles given to the words and phrases we use, I would be... well I'm ok with conjunctions and prepositions, but when you start talking past participles and stuff, I'd be lost ;)

Modes and scales of different types are like that. I've heard them, played them, and sometimes composed in certain modes, but without a clear idea of what made them different and what they are best suited for.

I also watched videos on what to practice and this is one thing I need to add in - more practice on the piano. Play the cycle of fifths. Now play it in first inversion. Play the scales in different modes. Now play a major triad in different modes and sing the intervals.

I was once told by a jazz teacher to just play the cycle of fifths every day. You might not see what it's teaching you but you obtain clarity over time. I think that is true of all of this stuff. Seems boring and arbitrary and then one day you're tinkering with a chord progression and inversions and something clicks. Like a language you suddenly understand.

Then I wrote up project notes for the three items I have on the task list right now, and began work on a new track, experimenting with textures. It's a work in progress. I will put it away for a few hours, and will come back to see what the muse and the ear wants to add. And then on to mixing, as it sounds muddy and unfocused to me at the moment. https://soundcloud.com/hummingbird-26/barbarity-wip-sketch-mar-11-18/s-TpYva

That's what I did in my 'time off'.
~~

Make Stuff Happen

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. What I do today matters. What I do today will not, in most cases, come to fruition today. I will see the results of today and tomorrow and the day after in my evolution two or three months from now. But if I do not engage today, if I do not change today, if I do not perservere today, I will not evolve past today.

Today I taught students. Today I chatted about filmmaking, scoring to picture, producing cues for television, resources for composers and filmakers, & singing. Today I watched youtube videos on music theory and the music biz. Today being International Women's Day I especially listened to music written & produced by women.

Today I walked by the ocean.

Today I tried for the fourth time to come up with ideas for a film scoring challenge. Am I too dismissive. Am I editing too much. Is it all 'grist for the mill'? Or, am I doing as Hans Zimmer suggested, keeping a 'music diary'...

I don't know, but at least I 'made something happen', on this day.

~~

#2 Creative Hack

What stops you from engaging creatively? For many of us, it’s doubt. We worry we won’t be good enough. We anticipate the reaction at the end of the work, and see ourselves failing. Or we get started and find ourselves expecting perfection from every word, note, brushstroke. Frustration builds as we make mistakes, and we stop. The reasons (and excuses) can be many. We may dream of writing that book, or finishing an album, or taking that trip to Italy, but somehow it never starts, or if it does, it fizzles out. Some people might say, that’s proof our dream didn’t matter as much as we thought.

I disagree. I think we avoid, procrastinate or stop because the dream matters. It sounds strange, I know. Shouldn’t the importance of the dream lead us to take action?

Years ago, after a personal stocktaking, I finally recognized that I had wanted to sing since I was five or six years old, but had let that dream die. I’d sung in choirs in my teens, and even tried having a band after leaving school. But I got involved in work and life, let it go, got that full-time office job that paid decent wages, etc etc. When I had the epiphany, when I decided I needed to find my voice, I asked a friend for the name of his singing teacher.

It took me three months to get up the courage to even call. I went to a meeting, he had me sing a couple of scales, we talked. He asked me what my goal was. I said, “I’m just… I just want to explore what I can do.” And then, as an afterthought, almost under my breath, I added, “If I could sing opera, that would be really cool.”

I went to my first lesson and almost didn’t go back. Not because the session wasn’t good. Not because the teacher wasn’t nice. He clearly had knowledge and was encouraging. I almost didn’t show up for the second lesson because… I didn’t want to find out if my dream couldn’t come true. It would be almost better to keep dreaming.

But I went. And each week, I’d wonder why I was going. I’d wonder, who am I kidding. I’d say, they’re just being nice. I’d say, maybe I’m too old to start this now. I kept going, and I kept doubting. I’d resolve to stop and then, I’d feel my whole body almost slump to the floor. ‘If I’m not here to sing, then what is there,’ the tiny me-voice would answer the shouting ‘you’ll never be good enough’ chorus. So I’d go to the next lesson.

On the bus, on the way to the lesson, I’d feel this heavy sense of reluctance. I’d arrive feeling like I didn’t want to sing, what was the point. My teacher would say, ‘just sit on the couch, we’ll sing a few scales.’ Two hours later, I’d be walking on air as I left. Technical exercises, opera arias, vibrating with sound, watching his face light up when I did it right. For a few minutes or hours, I’d believe it was possible. Then the darkness would close in.

To help defeat the doubts I kept a practice journal. When I practiced, I’d write down the date, and what I did. When the negative voices in my head crowded around, telling me it was pointless, that I didn’t work hard enough, that I’d never make it, I’d open my practice journal and literally say out loud, “Look! I practiced twice a day six days this week. So shut the f- up!”

If I’d seen my doubts as a stop sign, I never would have become a singer again. I never would have found my way into teaching voice to shy singers - something that has brought me so much joy. I never would have met a student who wanted to work on writing songs… and found myself back writing music. I would not have sung in the opera. I would not have music in tv shows.

You see, it really didn’t matter so much how ‘good’ a singer I was. The fact is, when you work on something with awesome mentors, when you practice your craft, you do get better. And the fact that you are working at it makes you stronger. It also opens you to the flow. To the possibilities. To the place where you might say, ‘oh, I’d like to try that.’

The only answer to the doubts: persevere.

See #1 Creative Hack

#1 Creative Hack

Today I found myself watching the Oscars from 1965. How interesting it was to see the ceremony, much less lavish and much more intimate than the one they have today. So many actors and actresses I recall from older films and musicals. My Fair Lady, Mary Poppins and The Unsinkable Molly Brown all vying for awards. The most beautiful moment for me was watching Audrey Hepburn present the award for Best Actor, and she was so sincerely thrilled to announce that Rex Harrison had won. She flew into his arms when he got on stage. So wonderful.

It reminded me of how lucky I have been to have the support of so many people as I have made my meandering creative journey towards freeing my voice, writing my perceptions, expressing myself in song and sound. Many of the composers and songwriters I have come to know are extremely generous with their time and knowledge, honestly celebrating the success of others and sympathizing when things are less successful (while offering sage advice on how to make it better). I can truly say that I would not be where I am today without the help of others who willingly listened to my attempts at composition and production, shared their expertise with me, and encouraged me to keep going inspite of the setbacks.

If there's a Creative Hack I can recommend it is to surround yourself with people on the same path. This is one reason I really enjoy participating in things like
FAWM (February is Album Writing Month- http://fawm.org/)
50-90 (50 Songs in 90 Days- http://fiftyninety.fawmers.org/)
NaNoWriMo (Ntnl Novel Writing Month- http://nanowrimo.org/)
TAXI Forum (http://forums.taxi.com/)
Just Plain Folks (http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php)
and others.

Why not look around today and see if there's a Facebook group, forum, message group or online community you can join? You might be glad you did.

Never underestimate the power of doodling

Years ago I had a philosophical difference with my esteemed vocal coach, who was of the opinion that his students shouldn't sing between lessons, for fear they would practice incorrectly, and further cement bad habits.

Although I understood his point of view, I disagreed with him. I told my students they should practice. Optimal would be at least once a day, six days a week, I said. Acceptable would be at least once a day three days a week. Any less than that, they'd be running the risk of slowing their progress.

I knew that they might do things ineffectively in their practice, with the best will in the world they would not always know if what they were doing was the ‘right’ thing. Their existing habits and old ways of thinking would be with them, and possibly taint their execution. I wanted them to practice anyway.

Indeed sometimes they would return to their next lesson and as we worked I would see where they had stepped off the path. They’d demonstrate what they had been doing and I would see where the misunderstanding was and set them straight. We’d repeat the ‘right’ way in the hopes that the experience would remain with them between lessons.

Still, I told them to practice. Why?

First, as Julia Cameron says, they would be ‘filling in the form’. 

“Make your practice part of your daily life, as much a habit as brushing your teeth,” I’d tell a student. “Get up every day, practice, and then go out and do your daily things carrying the knowledge and energy that comes from knowing you sang that morning. It will feel good.”

Secondly, those voices in our heads can easily defeat the burgeoning creative. ‘You suck, you’re too old, you don’t even try, who are you kidding, you don’t practice enough, you may have done it okay that time but you’ll suck again soon.’ The only way I know how to defeat the doubts is to take action. And taking action is practicing. Whether it’s singing scales, or playing riffs on the guitar, or penning a lyric, or sketching a tree, or writing morning pages. We need to ‘do’ in order to grow beyond our programming.

I was watching an interview with Hans Zimmer yesterday, and one of the things he said is that you have to have the courage to fail. He echoes other creative gurus such as Julia Cameron. Part of our daily practice is to experience without expectation, to experiment without judgement, to ‘play’. In this we build a foundation of consistency. Our creative muscle is toned. We open ourselves to the flow.

I have an ongoing dialogue with people who are at odds with me, who say that routine or discipline is the enemy of inspiration. I have to disagree. I think the muse will visit me when I’ve created an attractive place for it. It will come when my antennae are up and I am ready to receive. When I have done the job of practicing my instrument or my craft so that I am ready. If I tinker and play. If I doodle.

If I do not take the time to practice my skills, if I do not ‘fill in the form’, my imagination will not take flight.

Shy evolution

Years ago I worked at a large corporation which had, of course, a lunch room. I used to dread using it. Because I knew that it was very likely that, if I walked into the room, I would be engaged in conversation, and have to make Small Talk. I had no idea how to do that.

But I’d have to enter that room at some point, if only to get a coffee, or put my lunch in the fridge. Of course someone would be there, or come in while I was there, and so it would begin.

“Hi Vikki, how are you?”

Oh gawd. Now I had to answer that question. How am I. I didn’t know! There had to be a million answers. No one wanted the truth, really. Whatever I said, it would be dumb.The little chorus of voices in my head would shout at me internally: “You’re boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! Nobody wants to talk to You!” With a nervous giggle I’d finally say: “um ok-kay th-thanks, gotta g-go.” Escape as quickly as possible, almost spilling my coffee, back to my desk.

“Hey Vikki, how was your weekend?”

Oh my gawd. I didn’t know!! I couldn’t think of how it was! Eyes were looking expectantly at me, waiting for the reply of a reasonably intelligent human being.The little chorus of voices in my head would shout at me internally: “You’re an idiot! You’ll say something stupid! S-t-u-p-i-d!” A hundred answers would go through my mind while I stood there, like a stone, dismissing each one, finally… my eyes would go to the right and up to the ceiling, my tongue would cleave to the top of my mouth and I’d literally stammer, “f-f-f-f-f-f-ine.”

I hated how I felt at those moments. Weird. Awkward as hell. Like a hundred piranha were chomping at me. All I wanted to do was run away, be invisible. Everyone else seemed to know how to be, what to do, what to say. Not me. I didn't get the manual.

I avoided people as much as possible. If I was walking down the street and spied someone I knew, I’d duck into a store or something, just to get out of having to talk to them. They could be the nicest, sweetest person you could ever know. They still terrified me.

How did I go from that acute state of social phobia and debilitating stage fright to speaking on panels at music conferences and being interviewed on radio shows about shyness, singing, and voice?

I believe I was led to walk a path of healing that worked for me. It worked because it involved music, it involved creativity, and it involved singing. My mentors at the start had no inkling that what they were teaching me would help me to heal. They were simply trying to help me to sing.

But because part of singing is to look at what you are thinking just before and during your execution, over time I began to see the kind of thoughts that went through my mind as I attempted to sing. As I recognized the negative things I told myself, I was then able to begin the process of replacing them with something more positive. Something more tangible. Something more effective. I had to practice this, a lot. And I mean, a lot. For days, weeks, months, years. Slowly, unexpectedly, my consciousness was raised.

I started to recognize the programmed voices that repeated judgements and negativity to me… I began to awaken to the realization that these didn’t just occur when I was singing. They happened to me everywhere in life.

Six years later, I’d begun to teach a few other shy singers in group classes and private lessons. As I worked with them, I truly began to realize I was not alone. That there were many others that felt fearful when asked to perform or present themselves socially. My students taught me more about what it means to be human. How complex we are. That what seems easy to some can be terrifically terrifying for someone else for all kinds of reasons.

One morning, about eight years after my first tentative steps on the path, as I lay in my bed, I had this sudden epiphany: I wasn’t so scared anymore.

When I look back, it seems to me that, in the throes of my most shy moments, all my thoughts and energy were focussed on myself. My own angst, awkwardness, thoughts and feelings would overwhelm me and leave no room for anything else.

But, eventually, I found myself anticipating social interaction instead of dreading it.

I went into classes, lessons, panels, and coffee hours with a different attitude. In social situations I hoped to help others feel welcome and comfortable and respected. As I focussed on them, I found my shyness had less power over me. I could answer their questions and ask a few of my own, create a dialogue, and come away feeling that I had enjoyed myself learning about someone else.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t even know, when I began to take voice lessons after shying away from singing for so long, that I would be starting a road-trip to freeing my Self.... the work continues, the path has twists and turns. I have not yet ‘arrived’, I probably never will, as life is an ongoing journey to growth.

Today I am grateful for the synchronicity and creative process that led me in the direction of healing, for the students who have honoured me with their trust and shy voices, and for the world-wide web which allows me to share my thoughts with you. May you have peace and beauty in your life this Christmas season.