Change & Surrender

Looking through my writings I came across this, and it spoke to me:

I was thinking today about change. Not change that happens from external events over which we have no control. But change that occurs because we actively choose it.

Change is the result of the inspiration from within to move forward from where we are. It often requires a significant amount of work to achieve. And besides doing the leg work – of perhaps, learning a new skill, achieving a new level of knowledge, or growing into a new habit – the biggest struggle of all may come from within, from that part of us that has a vested interest in us staying the same. You can call this the “ego”, which feeds on negative energy, which takes great glee in pointing out our failures and our laziness and our tripping ups and our falling downs.

The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it can yell at us about our stuckness. The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it has evidence that we are useless, lazy, too old, too dumb, too ‘fill in the blank’. The “ego” knows that if we continue to work towards our goals, and continue to work to be more than we are, that its existence is threatened. Therefore, when we feel the deepest struggle (‘this is too hard’), the deepest frustration (I’m getting nowhere’), the deepest sadness (‘who am I kidding anyway’) and reluctance (‘what’s the point’)… that is when a major shift in consciousness is about to take place.

I know this because I have seen it time and time again in my own creative process. I know this because in the face of utter despair at ever becoming who I dreamed of being, in the profound angst of despondency, I would just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’d cry, I’d wail, and ask “what’s the point,” and then I’d get up from the couch and do what needed to be done, my face still wet with salty tears.

I think one of the major issues with this kind of thing is that we don’t know, if we put in the effort, if we will achieve anything at all. We want someone to tell us that yes, if we do the work, we will get ‘there’. But I think the truth is that no one can really tell you that. Even the experts can’t tell you if you have ‘what it takes’ to ‘fill in the blank’. They can’t because that judgment denies process. How can you tell, from looking at a stem growing from a bulb, whether it will flower?

If you come to me today for a first voice lesson, and can’t sing on key to save your life, shall I then pronounce my judgment, and Simon Cowell-like, tell you there is no hope, and that you should study accounting? Or shall I say, ‘thanks for sharing where you are. Now, let’s work on breathing.’ Shall I say, “I, as mentor, hear you as you are in this moment. I, as mentor, see a path for you to experience things differently, if you will try this, and that, and also this.” Shall I say, “this is beginning of your singing path. Allow it to be what it is, without judgment. It is what is. Trust that if you do this work, you will move forward. You will find your voice and release it.” Further, I might add, “and when your voice is released, and truly present in the moment with you, it will be beautiful.”

I can say what I say because I have been there, and I have done that work, and I have moved forward because of it. All that I am today comes from mentors and friends and my own spirit pushing and prodding me to move through the morass of despondency and disappointment and ‘lostness’ that I embodied years ago. And I firmly believe that if I can do it, anyone can do it, because there is no difference between me and anyone else.

In the final analysis, I believe it is the act of doing, the act of pushing through the reluctance, the act of picking up the pen, or the brush, or the guitar and doing something with it even if you feel it is the lousiest thing you’ve ever done… it is that act that works to defeat the ego. That’s the internal struggle to become more than you were at the start.

As if that isn’t enough, we may find an external resistance to our progress. Friends, relatives, acquaintances and colleagues may question us, or even turn away from us as we walk our path of creative growth. Julia Cameron talks about this in ‘The Artist’s Way’. Some of our harshest critics may well be those who are stuck themselves. They are critical of our attempts to grow and change because they are blocked. They, like our internal “ego,” have a vested interest in us staying stuck too. Therefore, as we take our first steps down this path of creative consciousness and skill building, we need to guard our fledgling selves. We need to protect the newly budding growth of our artist flower.

Therefore, seek out others who are on the same path, offer support and encouragement. Learn to listen as well as speak. Above all, be present in the moment whenever you can, breathe consciously, and treat yourself with respect and love. You deserve to be all that you wish to be. Anyone who truly loves the spirit in you, will love to watch as you blossom. And that, my friend, is the honest truth.

~Vikki

This morning I wrote my morning pages, and then went for a walk. The usual to-do list floated through my mind.. but I tried to focus on breathing the crisp morning air and feel the sun on my face. I spend too much time at the computer, writing music, writing poetry, surfing the net…. Or at the other keyboard… writing music or helping students. I remind myself that life is more than work. In my Zen book it says be like a tree… just be… not thinking, not defining things, not creating that busyness of mind that takes us away from the now… I confess I find it hard to ‘be’ like that. My mind is always creating plans of action and reminding me of what I haven’t done, should do, am neglecting, didn’t do well, should be better at, etc etc.

How does one find a balance between the persistence required to have a successful creative life – actively doing creative things… and finding solitude and peace… letting go of the outcome. My best friend and I talked about this the other day. We said our job is to put it out there… after that… it’s out of our hands. Our job is to produce it and let it go. And learn from our missteps of course. But also to take joy in the moment, just breathing and walking, reading a good book, having a great cup of coffee in our favourite café, waking up in the middle of the night safe and warm.

I forget sometimes to remind myself how lucky I am to have the problem of writer’s block while others struggle to simply survive. I am grateful for my friends, and I am grateful for the emails and notes and posts of those who read this. I marvel at the technology that allows us to reach out and communicate with each other like this.

how I went from A to C with TAXI U

Those who read Music Connection, Music & Musicians, and Recording Magazine, might have noticed an article/ad about me in the September issues. It was a pleasure to speak honestly about my experience with "TAXI U", the mentorship of TAXI and TAXI forum members... that is the foundation for my success in terms of signing music to deals.

When I joined TAXI in 2004, I had no idea how much I didn't know. I knew nothing about producing music. I thought I knew how to write really awesome country songs with excellent lyrics, though! My idea of a good song was based on my education as a classical singer singing music by composers of opera… and my love of folk songs by Carol King, Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell, and the Tysons.

I wrote epic folk songs - 6 minute long pieces with abstract lyrics - recorded worktapes on free recording software, and submitted them to TAXI, songwriting contests, and sent them to SAC (the Songwriter’s Association of Canada) for feedback. When I got the critiques, I was so angry. Really angry. What the hell was wrong with these people? Couldn’t they see I wrote outside the box, that my poetic lyrics were gems, that my meandering melodies were interesting to listen to?

I railed against the screeners and feedback givers. I called the industry homogenized. I, along with a co-writing friend, spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars getting demos cut of our infant songs. Big mistake.

When I got the rejections and ‘it’s not good enough yet’ critiques back I’d throw the feedback in a drawer and slam it shut.

But… even then… a couple days later… I’d take that paper out and read it again. I’d look at what they said and I would think, ‘hey, I can fix that.’ So I kept working and reworking on the songs… not really seeing the fact that you can rewrite a bad song a million times but that doesn’t necessarily make it a hit song. But I kept writing, rewriting, and getting feedback… and trying to learn from what I was being told.

It took two trips to LA, to TAXI’s music convention, the Road Rally, for me to really see the light. The answer, for me. It might not be the answer for everyone else. It was when I was sitting with a group of friends from the TAXI forum at Road Rally 2006 that I realized… I was in the presence of composers who were writing marketable music and who had signed that music to deals. They were writing, for the most part, instrumentals for use in film and television.

Now this was not as huge a leap as you might imagine. All the way along, while writing my epic fantasy folk songs, I had also been writing instrumentals. I used Band in Box to score the parts, and downloaded free plug-ins from the net to give them voice. I posted them on Soundclick sometimes. I had dozens of these.

I came home inspired to see if I could take those ideas and make them fly… make them acceptable to the industry. Thus began a journey of months and years to understand how to compose effectively for film and tv, to save up and buy the required computer, the required software, to make these things come alive and be considered marketable.

It was a challenge I was willing to embrace. And the rejections kept coming. But finally I got my first forward from TAXI, and my first deal. I’ve now signed more than 70 tracks to several different music industry entities, but there is much work to do and much more to learn. And many, many more tracks to write. Some will be good, some will need to be re-worked, and some will not fly commercially. But it's all grist for the mill.

taking an old road to renewal

Myself and three others have gotten together, we're meeting weekly, and working through Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way". We started by just meeting to talk about our creativity and visions for ourself, then we read the introductory chapters. This week we are reading Week One and making brainstorming stickies of visions or goals we have for ourselves.

I worked through the book a few years ago with a girlfriend, it was an interesting process of self-discovery and awareness growth. I started with the idea that 'I am fairly evolved so why do I need to do this book'. I ended in a place I never expected to be.... with a new vision for my life, and doing things I hadn't done for years, like painting.

Why do it again? My sister and I used to lease horses, and every weekend we would take the same old road down by the same old stream... but week by week, we would see changes around us. The falling leaves creating a carpet, the first buds of spring, wildflowers blooming, a bird we hadn't seen before. If we had our eyes open, seeking the new or the beautiful, then we were often awarded with something magical.

Walking this path, with a book whose message resonates with me so much... I hope will aid me to move in directions old and new.

New awakening

Suddenly it’s June and I wonder where the weeks have gone. I finally tidied my desk and put a few things in due date order, and the rest could go in recycle. Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing myself, these past months… revamping. I have been lost in my thoughts. I have always spoken about the healing magic that music provided to me, how it assisted me to evolve.

In order to become as a singer, I needed to recognize how I spoke to myself, and how I was programmed. I felt sufficiently advanced in this evolution to be able to share my experiences with others as a teacher/coach. But recently I’ve found a deeply embedded part of my operating system that I hitherto was to a great extent, unaware of. I rediscovered a level of insecurity so profound I found myself collapsing a little under its weight.

This was all triggered by a brief platonic relationship with a gentleman that had some romantic overtones. When we ended it, I literally fell apart. Not over him, not really. But over the deep seated belief that I simply do not have whatever it is that I should have in order to attract and keep a partner. I’m not talking wisdom, or compassion, or respect… I’m talking physical attractiveness. Since I was a child I was judged wanting for how I looked, I was ostracized at school and criticized at home, I developed an eating disorder because of all the diets I was instructed to be on at 13 and 14 and 15. That, together with physical age and the changes that come about because of that… and there you are, sitting alone in your living room watching reruns of Seinfeld. I became aware, in that time of dating, how much reassurance I need from moment to moment, and how much I am willing to give up of myself in order to get it. I thought I had moved on from that place.

But… perhaps it was time that I see this part of me. As I always tell my students, the first step to any change is first, awareness. I am slowly finding my way again.

Be Your Own Guru ;)

Let’s talk about love for a minute. Of course Valentine’s Day is upon us, but I’m not going be discussing romantic love. Rather, a deep and abiding appreciation for the most important person in your life – you.

Recently I’ve been telling my students that when they go home and practice, that they need to be their own ‘good teacher’, and look for what is good in what they are doing, as well as what needs work.

Often the first thing we do while performing an exercise or song is criticize ourselves. We pick out all the things we feel we are not doing right, and we proceed to beat ourselves up in the moment because we aren’t doing them. We make a face. Our body language says we’re frustrated or disappointed. We tell ourselves – and any audience – “this isn’t any good” or “sorry this isn’t working” or “what’s the point?” or “who am I kidding.” Our voice and body then responds to those thoughts, and the voice feels tighter, the breath feels shorter, the throat feels more closed, the heart is less likely to want to express.

Well guess what? That’s EXACTLY how I felt going into social situations for many years! I’d be thinking “I can’t think of anything to say,” and “they’re going to think I’m stupid,” and “why did I EVER say I would come to this thing,” and (worst of all), “they are going to think I am BORING.” And guess what happened? Since all I could think about was how boring I was and how awkward I felt, I looked and sounded awkward, like I didn’t want to be there, like I didn’t want to be talking to whoever I was talking to. Bet that helped them feel good about talking to me, huh?

But I don’t blame myself for feeling that way. I want to be my own good teacher so I can look at that and say… ‘well, wait a minute. I did have friends. I did have great conversations. I read the newspaper and books, and discussed new trends in science or shared stories I thought were interesting. I was a good cook, and people appreciated my meals or my potluck dish. Yes, I often felt awkward and shy. That’s okay. I’ve got the awareness now to see how I was thinking then, how my own thoughts and fears created that dynamic. And I can work to be more conscious of how I talk to myself in social situations.’

Another thing I talk about with my students is confidence. People will often tell a shy singer, ‘well, just get up there and be confident, then you’ll be okay.’ But a shy person doesn’t know HOW to ‘be’ confident. They can’t just turn on the ‘confidence’ switch. They may understand the concept, but they can’t see how they will ever, ever do it.

I remember working with this wonderful vocal coach (Bliss Johnston) who had been assistant conductor at the Metropolitan Opera and who had worked with all kinds of big names, including Pavarotti, Domingo and others. I was very nervous, even though she was very modest, sweet and encouraging. I was absolutely terrified with all my extraordinary teachers, and she was no exception. I was standing next to the grand piano, looking at her, after singing something. Bliss said to me, “Vikki, you must sing from a calm centre.” I heard what she said. I understood what she meant. But having a ‘calm centre’ seemed totally impossible to me. I’d never had one and I couldn’t imagine getting one, not ever. Never. Can’t be done.

But I own a calm centre now. That calm centre gives me confidence. It tells me, ‘whatever happens, you can handle it. You’ll figure it out.’ How did I get it?

I’ll tell you. When I started singing lessons, I had no idea I was going to learn how to live in a more conscious way. But slowly, over time, I learned that I had to observe my thoughts in the moment, while I was singing. I learned that one cannot erase negative thoughts, but one can replace them with more effective thoughts. So day by day, as I practiced my singing, I observed how I talked to myself. I practiced thinking specific, positive thoughts that instantly transformed into positive action. When I was able to think effectively, I felt and sounded better. Hmmm.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, calls our negative thoughts ‘blurts.’ She says we should listen for them, and write them down. I think that’s a good exercise. Follow that up answering them back, or replacing them with new thoughts. Every time the voice in my head tells me, "you're SO lazy," I start listing off all the things I did today (taught my students, went to the bank, got groceries, updated my weekly schedule, worked on that new song, wrote my blog).

I remember going to my very first ‘tweet-up’ (a meet-up of local twitterers) last year. I’d been invited a couple of times, but felt my usual reluctance in going to a social event, especially when I didn’t know anyone. The first time I went, it was a bit awkward, I didn’t know what to say, I felt a little out of place. But I went back again, and sure enough, there I was chatting with other people and really enjoying myself. Pretty soon I was the one making someone new feel comfortable. Hmmmm.

In all my shy years, when I was at a social event, I can’t remember ever thinking about what I could do for someone else. In fact, I imagined that everyone else felt perfectly comfortable, that they knew what to say, and how to be. I was the odd one, I figured. The Alien. The one who bushed uncomfortably if anyone spoke to her. The one who sat in a corner next to the potted plant, nursing a drink with a smile pasted on her face, wishing someone would talk to her but equally terrified that someone might talk to her. Cause then she’d have to make conversation.

Now I actually enjoy talking to people! They are interesting. They are vibrant. They are just like me, but not like me. I am alright when they are with me. If I can’t think of anything to say, I ask them something about themselves. If I stumble over my words, they’ll understand. If I express an opinion that differs from theirs, that’s okay. Variety is the spice of life. If I notice myself telling myself I’m boring, I replace that thought with something else. If I notice myself feeling nervous, I acknowledge it, and breathe. If I reach the end of my coping strength, then I gracefully leave, knowing I need some space to regroup. And that’s okay. As my own best friend, I need to support myself in whatever I am doing, and acknowledge when it is time to rest, or when I’ve had enough.

Singing taught me to be aware. To observe my thoughts. Singing taught me I could change how I thought, and therefore change the results.

I still have old programming and ways of thinking that I struggle with. That’s my journey, and likely always will be, to grow in further awareness and try to move beyond the deeply embedded ways in which I look at myself. Yet I am grateful for the consciousness that allows me to see the many steps I have taken in the right direction, while acknowledging much of the path is still in front of me. I strive to treat myself with respect and love.

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FAWMing – this month I’m participating in “February is Album Writing Month” – a personal songwriting challenge to write at least 14 songs in 28 days [www.fawm.org]. I’m posting my worktapes and rough sketches on my website as I work, you can check them out @ www.vikkiflawith.com.

practicing practicing

Am I special? Of course I am. I’m unique. But I’m human. I often tell a student, “If I can do it, you can do it. Because there’s no difference between you and me. The secret is to do the work.”

One of the writers I read is “Copyblogger” and today his email was particularly attention grabbing because he was asking something really important. He was asking… do you do more than read? He was saying, if you read an article and then start thinking about twittering or balancing your budget or getting your website organized, and you start – that’s great. But he pointed out that most of us do not follow through. A couple of weeks go by and there are no tweets, we've not organized the receipts, our website has nothing new to offer.

The reason I am having success now as a composer is that I’ve followed through. It’s been a long uphill climb, it’s taken years of effort in understanding, in practice, in trying. I was telling someone yesterday, that yes, I landed two deals in two weeks… but inbox is littered with rejections as well. Perhaps the music didn’t fit the bill, perhaps the music needs work, perhaps I have more to learn, and more skill to gain. So even if I sign that contract today, I still have to work at creating more music that I am proud to call my own, and still try to learn new skills even though it seems impossible that I will ever ‘get’ it, and I also have to earn enough money to pay my rent, hydro and internet hosting at the same time.

I talk to my students about practice. Not just practicing singing, which is of course valuable. But more importantly, practicing practicing. Because it’s our daily walk on the path, it’s our daily filling in the form, it’s our sitting down and planning the week, sorting out where we will put our energy and when. With lots of time left over to sit and dream.

How will you begin. How will you stay the course, in spite of doubts and all the curve balls that come your way? Will you still be on that path a few weeks from now?

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Being prepared pays off! Recently, because I was working through Ariel Hyatt’s book (Music Success in Nine Weeks), I revamped my film/tv website, added my newly developed ‘pitch statement’, made sure my samples were up to date, and had some composer friends check it over. Today I got an email from a music library I signed with a couple months ago… they wanted a bio and information on what kind of music I write… because there is an opportunity coming up for Canadian composers. I was able, within minutes, to send them my newly minted bio and a link to my site. They've forwarded my information to the person handling the opp. I’m SO GLAD I was ready!