I've noticed something new in my behavior. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It feels so different. I've become aware that I speak less, but more strongly. I express opinions. I speak up. I don't dilly-dally with long explanations anymore.
Let me put the above statement in context.
Not so many years ago, I was so nervous around people I stammered all the time. I'd go into the coffee room at work and someone would ask how my weekend had been, and I'd say, 'p-p-p-p-pret-t-ty g-g-gud, h-h-h you?' My eyes would kinda roll up to the ceiling at the same time I was 'p-p-p-ing', and I would feel like a total idiot.
I would hesitantly and softly express my thoughts on something, and if the person I was talking to disagreed, I would immediately find some way to wiggle out of what I said and come around to agreeing with them.
Besides the stammer, I'd also punctuate my sentences with soft giggles. "Hi, heh heh, I'm Vikki, heh heh, nice d-d-day, heh heh".
So now, today, when I watch myself jump into a discussion and say "I disagree. The fact is that..." a part of me raises its eyebrows in surprise.
However, I do still get into trouble. If several people have different opinions on what should be done, I try to find the common ground between them and make suggestions that would resolve the majority of concerns. Always a peacemaker. While this might be very diplomatic, I often find myself ending up holding the bag for actually doing the 'common ground' thing. At which point, I say, 'heh heh, w-well, that's not, heh heh, what I had in m-m-mind."
alive & kicking
Played a two-hour gig today (Tuesday) with my trio. We also played a two-hour gig on Sunday. I find my hands, and voice are a little tired. It was cool because the place has a full sound system, and today they even had the monitors set up, so my usually-play-acoustic group got a chance to hear themselves amplified. It's a bit scarey cause you know everyone's going to hear your mistakes... but it's fun because you can really hear how you blend with each other.
I can't type a lot now - my carpel tunnel is acting up. Have 3 collaborations to work on this week, and several tracks to work on for film/tv. And, the "50 songs in 90 days" challenge starts Friday. Fun!
I can't type a lot now - my carpel tunnel is acting up. Have 3 collaborations to work on this week, and several tracks to work on for film/tv. And, the "50 songs in 90 days" challenge starts Friday. Fun!
song/writing challenges
50/90 - I did 50 songs in 90 days in 2006 and 2007. Both times I think I wrote maybe a max of 10 songs. However, I thought taking part in it was good as it motivated me to write and I definitely wrote songs I wouldn't have written if I hadn't done 50/90. Which is the whole point, really. They can be lyrics, instrumentals, or complete songs. They can be sketches. They don't have to have all the bells and whistles.
How do you do a song challenge? You grab ideas and write them down. Anything. You wake up everyday with a notebook at your side, write down your dreams. You tinker with words and with melodies.
NaNoWriMo - I signed up for NaNo in 2004, 2006, 2007... have yet to write 50,000 combined. But it prompts me to keep writing and keep trying
FAWM - My first FAWM (write 14 songs in 28 days) was in 2007 and I found it very difficult. I managed to write 8 songs and then I didn't write anything for 3 or 4 days, I was absolutely certain there was nothing left in there to create another song. Then I got three more. Then I knew I was done. But I managed to write 4 more before the end of the month and ended with 15. This year, 2008, I wrote 25 pieces (some instrumental, some lyric, some complete songs).
All these challenges have helped me get to the point where I work on music everyday. Yesterday, for example, I finished the rewrite of a lyric for a song that's about to be demo'd. Sent it off to Pat Luboff for review, she thinks it's great. I began to work on tweaking the music for it. I also started a new electronica piece. I also started to rework an orchestral instrumental. And yes, I worked as well. So you see, for me, the challenges have helped grow my creative muscle to the point that I write almost every day anyway. I try not to let the sun go down without at least starting something, or work on a sketch that I started the day before, etc etc.
How do you do a song challenge? You grab ideas and write them down. Anything. You wake up everyday with a notebook at your side, write down your dreams. You tinker with words and with melodies.
NaNoWriMo - I signed up for NaNo in 2004, 2006, 2007... have yet to write 50,000 combined. But it prompts me to keep writing and keep trying
FAWM - My first FAWM (write 14 songs in 28 days) was in 2007 and I found it very difficult. I managed to write 8 songs and then I didn't write anything for 3 or 4 days, I was absolutely certain there was nothing left in there to create another song. Then I got three more. Then I knew I was done. But I managed to write 4 more before the end of the month and ended with 15. This year, 2008, I wrote 25 pieces (some instrumental, some lyric, some complete songs).
All these challenges have helped me get to the point where I work on music everyday. Yesterday, for example, I finished the rewrite of a lyric for a song that's about to be demo'd. Sent it off to Pat Luboff for review, she thinks it's great. I began to work on tweaking the music for it. I also started a new electronica piece. I also started to rework an orchestral instrumental. And yes, I worked as well. So you see, for me, the challenges have helped grow my creative muscle to the point that I write almost every day anyway. I try not to let the sun go down without at least starting something, or work on a sketch that I started the day before, etc etc.
50 songs in 90 days challenge
"This is a group whose purpose is to challenge members to write 50 songs in 90 days. Between July 4 and October 1 of any year, in the company of others, you can engage in some harmless songwriting mayhem. The prize is the pride in writing songs that may never have been written otherwise."
Info - http://5090.fawm.org/about/help.php
Info - http://5090.fawm.org/about/help.php
change = struggle
I was thinking today about change. Not change that happens from external events over which we have no control. But change that occurs because we actively choose it.
Change is the result of the inspiration from within to move forward from where we are. It often requires a significant amount of work to achieve. And besides doing the leg work – of perhaps, learning a new skill, achieving a new level of knowledge, or growing into a new habit – the biggest struggle of all may come from within, from that part of us that has a vested interest in us staying the same. You can call this the “ego”, which feeds on negative energy, which takes great glee in pointing out our failures and our laziness and our tripping ups and our falling downs.
The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it can yell at us about our stuckness. The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it has evidence that we are useless, lazy, too old, too dumb, too ‘fill in the blank’. The “ego” knows that if we continue to work towards our goals, and continue to work to be more than we are, that its existence is threatened. Therefore, when we feel the deepest struggle (‘this is too hard’), the deepest frustration (I’m getting nowhere’), the deepest sadness (‘who am I kidding anyway’) and reluctance (‘what’s the point’)… that is when a major shift in consciousness is about to take place.
I know this because I have seen it time and time again in my own creative process. I know this because in the face of utter despair at ever becoming who I dreamed of being, in the profound angst of despondency, I would just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’d cry, I’d wail, and ask “what’s the point,” and then I’d get up from the couch and do what needed to be done, my face still wet with salty tears.
I think one of the major issues with this kind of thing is that we don’t know, if we put in the effort, if we will achieve anything at all. We want someone to tell us that yes, if we do the work, we will get ‘there’. But I think the truth is that no one can really tell you that. Even the experts can’t tell you if you have ‘what it takes’ to ‘fill in the blank’. They can’t because that judgment denies process. How can you tell, from looking at a stem growing from a bulb, whether it will flower?
If you come to me today for a first voice lesson, and can’t sing on key to save your life, shall I then pronounce my judgment, and Simon Cowell-like, tell you there is no hope, and that you should study accounting? Or shall I say, ‘thanks for sharing where you are. Now, let’s work on breathing.’ Shall I say, “I, as mentor, hear you as you are in this moment. I, as mentor, see a path for you to experience things differently, if you will try this, and that, and also this.” Shall I say, “this is beginning of your singing path. Allow it to be what it is, without judgment. It is what is. Trust that if you do this work, you will move forward. You will find your voice and release it.” Further, I might add, “and when your voice is released, and truly present in the moment with you, it will be beautiful.”
I can say what I say because I have been there, and I have done that work, and I have moved forward because of it. All that I am today comes from mentors and friends and my own spirit pushing and prodding me to move through the morass of despondency and disappointment and ‘lostness’ that I embodied years ago. And I firmly believe that if I can do it, anyone can do it, because there is no difference between me and anyone else.
In the final analysis, I believe it is the act of doing, the act of pushing through the reluctance, the act of picking up the pen, or the brush, or the guitar and doing something with it -- even if you feel it is the lousiest thing you’ve ever done… it is that act that works to defeat the ego. That’s the internal struggle to become more than you were at the start.
As if that isn’t enough, we may find an external resistance to our progress. Friends, relatives, acquaintances and colleagues may question us, or even turn away from us as we walk our path of creative growth. Julia Cameron talks about this in ‘The Artist’s Way’. Some of our harshest critics may well be those who are stuck themselves. They are critical of our attempts to grow and change because they are blocked. They, like our internal “ego,” have a vested interest in us staying stuck too. Therefore, as we take our first steps down this path of creative consciousness and skill building, we need to guard our fledgling selves. We need to protect the newly budding growth of our artist flower.
Therefore, seek out others who are on the same path, offer support and encouragement. Learn to listen as well as speak. Above all, be present in the moment whenever you can, breathe consciously, and treat yourself with respect and love. You deserve to be all that you wish to be. Anyone who truly loves the spirit in you, will love to watch as you blossom. And that, my friend, is the honest truth :)
~Vikki
On another note, you may enjoy my most recent video, “Truth & Relativity”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pvENkoCpf8
Change is the result of the inspiration from within to move forward from where we are. It often requires a significant amount of work to achieve. And besides doing the leg work – of perhaps, learning a new skill, achieving a new level of knowledge, or growing into a new habit – the biggest struggle of all may come from within, from that part of us that has a vested interest in us staying the same. You can call this the “ego”, which feeds on negative energy, which takes great glee in pointing out our failures and our laziness and our tripping ups and our falling downs.
The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it can yell at us about our stuckness. The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it has evidence that we are useless, lazy, too old, too dumb, too ‘fill in the blank’. The “ego” knows that if we continue to work towards our goals, and continue to work to be more than we are, that its existence is threatened. Therefore, when we feel the deepest struggle (‘this is too hard’), the deepest frustration (I’m getting nowhere’), the deepest sadness (‘who am I kidding anyway’) and reluctance (‘what’s the point’)… that is when a major shift in consciousness is about to take place.
I know this because I have seen it time and time again in my own creative process. I know this because in the face of utter despair at ever becoming who I dreamed of being, in the profound angst of despondency, I would just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’d cry, I’d wail, and ask “what’s the point,” and then I’d get up from the couch and do what needed to be done, my face still wet with salty tears.
I think one of the major issues with this kind of thing is that we don’t know, if we put in the effort, if we will achieve anything at all. We want someone to tell us that yes, if we do the work, we will get ‘there’. But I think the truth is that no one can really tell you that. Even the experts can’t tell you if you have ‘what it takes’ to ‘fill in the blank’. They can’t because that judgment denies process. How can you tell, from looking at a stem growing from a bulb, whether it will flower?
If you come to me today for a first voice lesson, and can’t sing on key to save your life, shall I then pronounce my judgment, and Simon Cowell-like, tell you there is no hope, and that you should study accounting? Or shall I say, ‘thanks for sharing where you are. Now, let’s work on breathing.’ Shall I say, “I, as mentor, hear you as you are in this moment. I, as mentor, see a path for you to experience things differently, if you will try this, and that, and also this.” Shall I say, “this is beginning of your singing path. Allow it to be what it is, without judgment. It is what is. Trust that if you do this work, you will move forward. You will find your voice and release it.” Further, I might add, “and when your voice is released, and truly present in the moment with you, it will be beautiful.”
I can say what I say because I have been there, and I have done that work, and I have moved forward because of it. All that I am today comes from mentors and friends and my own spirit pushing and prodding me to move through the morass of despondency and disappointment and ‘lostness’ that I embodied years ago. And I firmly believe that if I can do it, anyone can do it, because there is no difference between me and anyone else.
In the final analysis, I believe it is the act of doing, the act of pushing through the reluctance, the act of picking up the pen, or the brush, or the guitar and doing something with it -- even if you feel it is the lousiest thing you’ve ever done… it is that act that works to defeat the ego. That’s the internal struggle to become more than you were at the start.
As if that isn’t enough, we may find an external resistance to our progress. Friends, relatives, acquaintances and colleagues may question us, or even turn away from us as we walk our path of creative growth. Julia Cameron talks about this in ‘The Artist’s Way’. Some of our harshest critics may well be those who are stuck themselves. They are critical of our attempts to grow and change because they are blocked. They, like our internal “ego,” have a vested interest in us staying stuck too. Therefore, as we take our first steps down this path of creative consciousness and skill building, we need to guard our fledgling selves. We need to protect the newly budding growth of our artist flower.
Therefore, seek out others who are on the same path, offer support and encouragement. Learn to listen as well as speak. Above all, be present in the moment whenever you can, breathe consciously, and treat yourself with respect and love. You deserve to be all that you wish to be. Anyone who truly loves the spirit in you, will love to watch as you blossom. And that, my friend, is the honest truth :)
~Vikki
On another note, you may enjoy my most recent video, “Truth & Relativity”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pvENkoCpf8
who designs your life?
“It takes as long as it takes,” my singing teacher used to tell me in his supportively annoying fashion. “There is no substitute for time and experience.”
Yeah, well, it is hard to think that the skill you are attempting to integrate, the new habits you are attempting to establish, the new way of thinking you are struggling to adopt… will take time. Lots of time, lots of practice. Day after day, month after month, year after year.
We can feel oppressed about the nature of human learning and the process of becoming more than who we were, or we can see it as a journey we are meant to take. As the old cliché goes… “what do you mean it will take me 10 years to be pretty good at (insert goal here)? Do you know how old I will be??” Answer: “And how old will you be if you don’t?”
Today, my knees have scars from all the times I have fallen flat on my face, not even knowing why I staggered, so asleep, so wounded that, in a sense, falling seemed right. Seemed like all I could do well. You don’t know the hours I have spent in the dark night of the soul, despairing. Even now I can’t tell you why we are here, or why we hurt each other, or why we can’t seem to get things right. All I know is that the gift of this life is a precious thing and I’m damned if I’m going to lose a moment of it.
So I struggle to get things right. Every day is a journey with bumps and turns and challenges. Sometimes I feel a light glowing inside, and I’m able to be grateful for the work at hand and questions I am able to answer. It’s funny how time seems to ebb and flow over the course of the day. One minute, you are thinking, “OMG, 3 hours more…” and the next minute you are thinking how much you are enjoying what you’re doing. As long as it isn’t the dishes.
I’m reading David Allen’s “Getting Things Done” right now, and got out a notebook & filled up a page with all the things in my brain that I think I have to get done sometime. I tried to just write it down and get it out of me and put it on the page, haphazardly, without giving anything priority. He’s right in one thing he says – half the stress I feel is getting this brain drain from knowing there are things to be done, and being terrified I’ll forget them. To do lists and calendars help, but it’s not everything. I like the idea of getting every single thing you need to do out of you and down somewhere where you can trust you will see it. Next, ask ‘why’ you need to do it. And then figure out what the next step should be.
I’m thinking I’ll start some sort of project based sheet system, where I take a sheet of paper, head it up with an item – like “groceries” – and then add all the things that go around the grocery thing. Like, cleaning the fridge, and ordering organics, getting out to the store, and maybe even the grocery list itself. Or “music” with a list of the projects I’m working on (and who with), and exactly where I am in the process – waiting for the other person to get me some music, or needing to research styles, or what.
My problem is what to do with those sheets once I’ve got them going. I wish I could paste them all up on a wall so they’d be visible, but I think that’s impossible. So maybe I’ll create a work binder.
One thing that I still have difficulty with is the personal items. When I was on a coaching call a while back, they were talking about independent artists and time management. One thing they pointed out is that you need to include the personal stuff on your task list. I’d never thought of that. Prior to that, I had been feeling very guilty about thinking that it would be nice if I could afford a housecleaning service or had someone to pick up my groceries. I still struggle with that idea, but I know that housework, laundry, groceries, are like anvils around my neck, pulling me down. Just not my favorite things to do and yet, without them, the ship doesn’t really sail very well. But I’m working on trying to get these things into my schedule. And actually do them, too.
I included on my big brainstorming list everything from figuring out when & how to do laundry (Tuesday, get a ride to the Laundromat from my band-mate after rehearsal, take the bus home) to organizing stuff for my summer holiday (call sis & make an appointment for a shopping trip, get to Zellers, buy the totes & tarps), to the book I want to write (find all the notes I already have and put them in one place).
As a self-employed artist/teacher/mentor/writer/etc, I am the architect of my own days. I may take on projects, or mentor students, but I am the one structuring my time and my tasks. It was not an easy transition, going from years of school or working in an office, with structure that was imposed, to being the one responsible for creating what happens and when. Especially when you are a creative person who likes to “play”. Although I have achieved a fair bit, I am aware that I often flounder.
So I’m trying to overcome my sense of drowning in the details, and get very clear. Why? Because I want to live as fully as possible and grow beyond my programming and become more than I could have ever dreamed.
I just don’t want to wake up one day and be 92, lying in my bed, stroking the cat, looking through the window at a hill I never had the courage to climb. I want to be the day dreamer who realized her dreams. If that means getting someone else to do the laundry, count me in.
Yeah, well, it is hard to think that the skill you are attempting to integrate, the new habits you are attempting to establish, the new way of thinking you are struggling to adopt… will take time. Lots of time, lots of practice. Day after day, month after month, year after year.
We can feel oppressed about the nature of human learning and the process of becoming more than who we were, or we can see it as a journey we are meant to take. As the old cliché goes… “what do you mean it will take me 10 years to be pretty good at (insert goal here)? Do you know how old I will be??” Answer: “And how old will you be if you don’t?”
Today, my knees have scars from all the times I have fallen flat on my face, not even knowing why I staggered, so asleep, so wounded that, in a sense, falling seemed right. Seemed like all I could do well. You don’t know the hours I have spent in the dark night of the soul, despairing. Even now I can’t tell you why we are here, or why we hurt each other, or why we can’t seem to get things right. All I know is that the gift of this life is a precious thing and I’m damned if I’m going to lose a moment of it.
So I struggle to get things right. Every day is a journey with bumps and turns and challenges. Sometimes I feel a light glowing inside, and I’m able to be grateful for the work at hand and questions I am able to answer. It’s funny how time seems to ebb and flow over the course of the day. One minute, you are thinking, “OMG, 3 hours more…” and the next minute you are thinking how much you are enjoying what you’re doing. As long as it isn’t the dishes.
I’m reading David Allen’s “Getting Things Done” right now, and got out a notebook & filled up a page with all the things in my brain that I think I have to get done sometime. I tried to just write it down and get it out of me and put it on the page, haphazardly, without giving anything priority. He’s right in one thing he says – half the stress I feel is getting this brain drain from knowing there are things to be done, and being terrified I’ll forget them. To do lists and calendars help, but it’s not everything. I like the idea of getting every single thing you need to do out of you and down somewhere where you can trust you will see it. Next, ask ‘why’ you need to do it. And then figure out what the next step should be.
I’m thinking I’ll start some sort of project based sheet system, where I take a sheet of paper, head it up with an item – like “groceries” – and then add all the things that go around the grocery thing. Like, cleaning the fridge, and ordering organics, getting out to the store, and maybe even the grocery list itself. Or “music” with a list of the projects I’m working on (and who with), and exactly where I am in the process – waiting for the other person to get me some music, or needing to research styles, or what.
My problem is what to do with those sheets once I’ve got them going. I wish I could paste them all up on a wall so they’d be visible, but I think that’s impossible. So maybe I’ll create a work binder.
One thing that I still have difficulty with is the personal items. When I was on a coaching call a while back, they were talking about independent artists and time management. One thing they pointed out is that you need to include the personal stuff on your task list. I’d never thought of that. Prior to that, I had been feeling very guilty about thinking that it would be nice if I could afford a housecleaning service or had someone to pick up my groceries. I still struggle with that idea, but I know that housework, laundry, groceries, are like anvils around my neck, pulling me down. Just not my favorite things to do and yet, without them, the ship doesn’t really sail very well. But I’m working on trying to get these things into my schedule. And actually do them, too.
I included on my big brainstorming list everything from figuring out when & how to do laundry (Tuesday, get a ride to the Laundromat from my band-mate after rehearsal, take the bus home) to organizing stuff for my summer holiday (call sis & make an appointment for a shopping trip, get to Zellers, buy the totes & tarps), to the book I want to write (find all the notes I already have and put them in one place).
As a self-employed artist/teacher/mentor/writer/etc, I am the architect of my own days. I may take on projects, or mentor students, but I am the one structuring my time and my tasks. It was not an easy transition, going from years of school or working in an office, with structure that was imposed, to being the one responsible for creating what happens and when. Especially when you are a creative person who likes to “play”. Although I have achieved a fair bit, I am aware that I often flounder.
So I’m trying to overcome my sense of drowning in the details, and get very clear. Why? Because I want to live as fully as possible and grow beyond my programming and become more than I could have ever dreamed.
I just don’t want to wake up one day and be 92, lying in my bed, stroking the cat, looking through the window at a hill I never had the courage to climb. I want to be the day dreamer who realized her dreams. If that means getting someone else to do the laundry, count me in.
going where you need to go
You know how you have ups and downs in your life? I’m sure you do. Sometimes I question everything. So much time gone by. So many mistakes made. I’m just a human being, doing the best I can. I’m not perfect, I have flaws. I have regrets. There are things I wish I’d done differently and things I wish I did better. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to offer. Sometimes I wonder if I know anything at all. Sometimes I wonder where I am going. I feel my way along, tentatively and trembling, trusting my inspiration to lead me. Sometimes in my search for meaning and for connection, I choose the wrong words.The peril of being a writer of sorts is to feel more comfortable with the written word than speech. Reading, and re-reading, until you comprehend. Writing, and editing, until the words seem to fit what you are trying to say. Even as I write this I have no idea where I am going. Like many things I do, I just start.
I have a general plan – “let’s go this way” I point vaguely, encouraging myself. I figure if I keep putting one foot in front of the other – or one word after another – somewhere along the line, things will make sense.
Like when I paint. Other people might draw a scene over and over, even planning the perspective, drawing the horizon out, mapping the whole thing, before they pick up a brush to transfer their image to canvas. Me? I get out a big brush, choose a colour, dab at it, and attack the canvas. I have no idea what I’m going to paint. I just start. I ‘follow the brush’.
Really my whole life these past dozen years or so has been like that. I just start. I just pick up a pack of watercolours & some watercolour paper, and paint a first picture. I just start writing music, for fun, with a friend… I just start writing a script as a personal challenge. I just throw on a costume, turn on the web cam, and start improvising. I just start writing a blog, not knowing what I will be saying at all.
People often say to me, “Vikki, you do so much.” “You do so many things.” They seem to envy my productivity. It doesn’t feel extraordinary to me, it’s just what I do. But, when I think about what I just wrote, I see the key. Do you?
I just start.
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